The Negative Effects of Sibling Comparison

Look around you, every person you see in your house, on the street, at your schools and at the coffee shop is different. Uniquely blended and shaped gloriously different in their own way. Be it in their personality, academic interest or ice cream flavours. Comparing these individuals with remarkably unique quirks and traits would be like comparing a fish to a bird.

Comparison among siblings is so naturally practiced in our household, that it's not given a second thought, or pondered over. Despite sharing the same genes and growing up in the same household with the same opportunities, each sibling often tends to be different from the other in their habits, milestones and personality.

Despite these differences, we can see parents comparing their children in their academic performance, social skills or personal development. Do I think they do it to hurt their children? No. Do I think they do it because they believe they are helping their kids to become a better version of themselves? Maybe. Do I think they are right? Absolutely not.
Here's why:

Damaged Self-esteem

 A child always looks up to their parents and regards their words to be the utmost truth and often perceive themselves the way their parents perceive them. So when the parents say "Why can't you be like your brother/sister?" It subconsciously translates into " You are not good enough" which is the foundation to damage self-esteem. What may seem like a casual remark, ends up becoming a verse in their minds that replays each day like a broken record, shaping their personality and feeding their thoughts. 

Unexplored Potential

A comparison between a book-smart and a street-smart sibling undermines their sense of worth. A lot of energy goes into dealing with negative feelings such as jealousy, envy or inferiority. Fear settles in the child that their efforts and talent might not be noticed, so they start to hold themselves back. If their milestones are not seen in their own unique light, the desire to explore the latent skills fades away. A classic case of unutilized potential. This may lead to depression or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Sibling Rivalry

One of the sad pitfalls of comparisons between siblings is they grow up to dislike each other strongly-whether evident or not. Siblings that are compared may breed feelings of superiority and inferiority, eventually leading to a rift between them. What could have been a beautiful bond, ends up in indifference and rivalry.

Indifference and Lack of motivation

It's not only the verbal comparison that affects a child, a parent's excessive pride in one sibling conveys disappointment in the other. They feel overlooked and lose motivation to try because hey, no matter what they do the parent will only love and favour the other child. They will presume that it will never be enough and do not see any further reason to make efforts.

So what can  the parents do differently?

The most important thing for a parent to do is to accept that all their children are different and unique in their own way and celebrate them in all their tainted glory. Parents should try to communicate with their kids and make a note of their skills and interests. They must encourage them and advise them to flourish in their area of interest. 

They need to acknowledge and encourage each child and celebrate all their milestones equally. Encourage them to work with each other and convey the importance of having an independent identity, so that even when no one is comparing, they don’t make the comparison themselves. They can make sure that their kids are working hard, secure and confident in their capabilities.