How Covid-19 Taught Me to Prioritize Myself

I remember.  I fear as I type these words today because the one thing I've always been confident of —my memory— seems like a distant truth today.

I remember how for the longest time I couldn't register in my mind that I was infected with Covid. It took a month of being infected and another after that for me to acknowledge how my body and mind had actually been fighting the Virus. 

The month of March made me realise how far I had come in terms of my mental and emotional resilience. With half of my family hospitalized, having to call up hospitals, arranging oxygen, providing as much emotional support as I could, my anxiety surprisingly had taken a backseat. I vaguely remember how I felt grateful that my infection was mild and I was almost asymptomatic, only because I was in a position to operate for my family. Everything seemed normal to me except that I did lose my sense of smell, taste, and appetite. 

And I thought it would just pass!

5 tests later, I was still positive. But I kept telling myself "I'm all right". Little did I know that "Long Covid" was waiting for me. 

As soon as everyone got better in my family, I resumed work in full force. What Covid couldn't do, deadlines and backlogs did — brought my anxiety back! It took me two weeks of pushing my body and mind rigorously to realize that my system wasn't restored to the "old normal". From being exhausted just after an hour-long meeting to chronic fatigue, "Post-Covid" had more in store for me. 

Blanking out was something I had experienced before (Thanks to my panic attacks years ago), but this time the zoning out looked serious. I started taking longer than usual to process basic information; and while I'm the biggest fan of to-do lists, I started missing out on what needed to go on those. 

What I said a few seconds ago seemed to wash away from my memory, recalling names, details, experiences, information - absolutely everything felt like an impossible task. I lost my trail of thought while framing simple sentences, and felt unable to recall specific words, struggled to another level because of me being a professional writer and felt disconnected from myself. 

I remember drafting content one morning and I typed a word. Something seemed wrong. I had misspelt it. Now you'd say it's no big deal, but for a grammar nazi like me, it was a sin! Moreover, I couldn't figure out for the next few minutes what the correct word was. (Yeah I could have googled it but that's not the point!)

My fear increased multifold - leading me to questions like, will I forget everything?; Is this Amnesia?; Is this the end of my career?; Will I ever be independent because of what I was probably suffering with?

This fear led me to finally connect with a doctor and boom - there it was. It was not my brain going haywire or me losing my mind - it was "Post-Covid." This could last from 3-6 months is what I was told, both by the doctor and the internet (Which also told me it could be cancer).

If I didn't mention it so far, I heard all the things like - how is it taking you so long to recover?; What  fog are you talking about?; It’s  only in your head?; Are  you sure you're not pretending to be forgetful?; Do  this, keep notes and what not!

I was doing it all except the one thing I should have been doing, Resting. Two questions posed to me that stuck to me were:

"Am I not expecting too much from my brain and body?"

"Do I acknowledge that my body and mind did it all to keep me alive for a month of being infected with a deadly virus?"

And then I let loose. 

Allowing my mind to heal as much as my body needed it, was the best thing I did to myself. 

After almost two months of getting Covid, I started to rest. I started to be thankful to my body and mind for going through so much and still be up and running in the best way possible. 

I also started talking more to a few friends I'm grateful to have, about how I was coping with it. And I heard some of them talking about their recovery journey too. It gave me strength. 

I started hoping. Hoping to get better completely. 

I started believing in the immense healing power my body and mind were gifted with. Something a lot of us forget about. I did too. 

It's been two months since, and today I feel so much better. Trusting my body and my mind proved to be powerful. Yes, I am still struggling in quite a few ways, but with a smile. With a strong faith in the process of healing. With a bunch of people who are helping me in their ways. 

Yes I did have to give up on some projects, had to incur losses, accepted that some people would always say I was overthinking, but I managed to keep the most important project of my life running, that is myself!

I am still breathing. And while I am writing this, it is only my breath that instills  faith and hope in me that I will remember the next word I was to type, without forgetting my trail of thoughts.

Thanks to Covid, I learnt how much I needed to trust myself!