Why You Don't Have to Be Happy

Just be happy. When dealing with a rough spot in our mental health, many of us have heard the same phrase a million different times in a million different ways. Cheer up! There’s no reason for you to be sad. Don’t cry, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Stop being so sensitive. You have everything you want, why are you upset? And perhaps most nefarious of all: We want you to be happy.

All of these are the words of friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers. They are words born, at least in part, out of genuine care and concern. But more often than not, they hurt more than they help.

We are told that happiness is not only good, but mandatory. We must constantly seek it, hold on to it in whatever ways we can. Even now, despite all the progress in mental health activism, there is still a persistent universal belief that it is not okay to not be okay. The journey to recovery varies for everyone, and can last weeks, months, years, or a lifetime. Yet its beginning is almost always the same. The immediate reaction of someone who starts struggling with their mental health is still almost always to hide it.

Just be happy. You say that as if it’s a choice, a switch I can turn on and off at will. But here’s what you don’t realize: I want to be happy too. More than anything, I want to live my life as I want to live it, and not be plagued by irrational spells of sadness or insecurity or anxiety. But I shouldn’t have to feel pressured to do so. Faking that I’m fine will not make me fine. Putting on a smile and forcing myself to feel fine will not make me fine. Eating healthy, getting a good amount of sleep, being kind to myself, throwing myself in the things that I love—all good starts, sure, but they will not make me fine.

I can’t predict my happiness. I can’t force it upon myself through sheer willpower—and believe me, I’ve tried. It could be that these things do work for someone, in which case, great! But they might not, and no one should feel like they let themselves or anyone else down if they don’t.

I want to be happy, but sometimes I can’t, no matter how hard I try. And, maybe most importantly, sometimes I shouldn’t try. Sometimes I’m not in the right mental space to even begin to try. And in that case, trying and failing to be happy will only further the cycle of frustration.

We think that once we figure out there is a problem, the way to its solution is linear. That we hit rock bottom and everything only gets better from there. But having highs and lows is a natural part of life transcending mental health. If we’re in a bad place now, we may be again as well, maybe even ten times more. Or we may never reach that low again. Either way is okay. So instead of placing the burden on ourselves to be happy, let’s be kind to ourselves and to others. Let’s understand, first and foremost, that things happen. Accepting our feelings as they are and not as we want them to be is, after all, the only way to truly get better.

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