"Love, Victor" & the Gay Disappointment

Not a week ago, I wrote a blog exploring pride, community, and self-love. Today, however, I sit in feelings of intense anxiety and try to get myself back to where I was just a few days ago. Writing these blog posts, albeit currently to a small audience of readers, helps me remember the community of love behind me.

So, given the recent release of Love, Victor on Hulu (which I watched all in one sitting), and the fact that my (pen) namesake is directly lifted off of Simon’s in Love, Simon, I felt it fitting to write about my relationship to the complex topics explored in Love, Victor as a queer teen of color myself.

In the show, Victor explores his sexuality after moving to Atlanta while suffering from Texan naivete, internalized homophobia, outright homophobia, and a myriad of family issues. The contrast between Victor, a Hispanic, low-income queer teen born to conservative parents, and Simon, a white, middle-class gay living with liberal parents, is stark.

One of the many intensely relatable themes the show explores is finding self-worth in a world that doesn’t value you. In one episode mid-way through the season, Victor tells Simon “I am what you think I am, but I hate it. I don’t want my life to be this hard.” Victor already has the life he wants. He is the family golden boy, the kind boyfriend, the basketball team star. But he knows that if he were to come out, his “normal” life would go up in flames. He would be, as I call it, a “gay disappointment.” So, Victor smothers his identity for as long as he can.

I do too. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family of two parents, three sisters, and the occasional visiting extended family member. I was loved dearly by all of them, for being the smart one. The kind one. I suppose I still am, but I know I soon won’t be.

I’d rather not have a child than have a gay one.

Those words ring through my mind every single moment I spend with my parents.

Don’t do that, that’s gay.

Those words ring through my mind every single moment I spend with my sisters.

Look at them, they’re such a fag.

Those words ring through my mind every single moment I spend at school.

No matter what I do, it will never be enough. Not once they know the truth. And while last week I would have been able to comfort Victor through his struggles of wanting to be “normal,” to not be himself—right now, I’m right there with him.

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