Parental Pressure & How it Made Me Grow Into an Anxious Adult
TW: this blog contains mentions of panic attacks and suicidal ideation.
Most Asian children are painfully familiar with the concept of parental pressure when it comes to academics, lifestyle choices and all the supposed milestones we have to achieve to be considered successful. Growing up in a typical South Indian family belonging to a very religious and conservative community, I was more than familiar with the perils of parental pressure. Being the eldest child, additional responsibilities were also thrust on me from a very early age. I was expected to be perfect on all counts and be a role model for my brother as well. Any deviation from this was not entertained.
I still remember my middle school days. I would enter examination halls with the impending fear that if I didn’t top this one paper, my whole world would end and I would be a failure for the rest of my life. Dealing with any kind of test or assignment was an ordeal. In fact, I spent most of my childhood in a state of extreme anxiety. This translated into my relationships as well. I constantly felt inadequate and had no self-confidence. The fear of failure was conditioned so strongly in me that I second guessed my every move, and it was exhausting! Often, if things didn’t work out the way I planned, I would beat myself up so badly that I would get severe panic attacks. I used to think that once I moved out of my house, got a job, and became independent, I’d snap out of it and my anxiety would just vanish. But little did I know how severe my anxiety disorder had become, and of course, mental health conditions don’t disappear just because you want them to.
Being constantly criticized, pressured to be perfect, and made to feel that everything was my fault, I had a lot of negative, anxiety-inducing thoughts about myself. I grew up … moved out … but my anxiety stayed with me. I remember thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I get overwhelmed by everything like a child?” In addition to dealing with this crippling anxiety, I also judged myself for being anxious. I concluded that I was weak and that I did not deserve to be happy. Even on my good days, the fear of failing or not doing a good job always weighed me down. My 20s were challenging on a personal front as well, so I subconsciously started projecting all of my childhood fears into the problems I was facing, thus feeding the vicious cycle. I felt helpless, alone, and misunderstood. I didn’t think of taking my own life, but I did at times wish I wasn’t alive because life was simply too hard. The reason everything engulfed me so easily was because of the many self-critical and unforgiving narratives I kept telling myself, a toxic habit I picked up from everything that was said to me growing up.
This subconscious acceptance of the lie that I was inadequate also attracted a lot of toxicity into my life. I had a hard time saying no or defining my boundaries even when someone was hurting me, and I didn’t have the confidence to truly call them out or stand up for myself. I also had a hard time managing my time and sticking to my commitments, because I would get so overwhelmed by everything that I would end up doing nothing.
My first step to healing was accepting that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. Consciously being kind to myself was the most crucial step to my recovery, and every day, I told myself that I wasn’t weak until it truly began to sink in. I also had to learn to not resent my family for contributing to my anxiety. What happened to me wasn’t my fault, but I had to work towards not seeing myself as a victim if I had any hope of getting better and not repeating my own toxic patterns. Once I started doing this, an amazing thing happened: I started wanting to get better! I started therapy and got involved with more things that I truly enjoyed. I still have a long way to go and I know it will always be an ongoing process, but I am proud to say that I am at a much better place today than I once was.
Whatever your story is and wherever you are right now, never give in to the lie that you are not enough or that you deserve to be miserable. No matter what or who put this in your head, this is the disbelief that is holding you back from taking control of your life. Reach out to people who care and understand, and learn to say no. Most importantly, always remember this: you aren’t weak or oversensitive just because things may affect you in a way that is different from those around you. You are a warrior because of your journey and your feelings are valid !!
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