Of the Motherhood That We Know, Accept and Acknowledge
“Motherhood has been pigeonholed for so long by the society that everyone except the ones embracing it dictates its rules”
Maternity and Motherhood
Maternity is a state of being pregnant and birth-giving which precedes the cult of motherhood in a patriarchal setup. This cult of motherhood is further explained here:
Despite today’s idea of partnership in caregiving, in the end, the onus still falls on the woman as an epitome of primary caregiving. It makes women vulnerable to societal expectations. These societal expectations are popularised as intrinsic to gender (assigned female at birth). Thus, deeming maternal instincts to a woman’s biological instinct.
The stereotypical understanding has been that the women who can’t give birth have embraced motherhood akin to this natural instinct anyway. Consequently, womanhood becomes central to motherhood. This view adheres to ethnocentric and heterosexist models of family. Let us look at how these models impact curating the concept of motherhood across genders.
Stereotype: Motherhood is what binds all women assigned female at birth.
Effects: Both women and gender non-conforming people experience shame for not being able to accept it as a part of their intrinsic identity and isolation respectively.
Fact: The universality of motherhood is a myth
Stereotype: Motherhood is an inevitable part of a woman’s life just like ageing.
Effects: Married women early into the marriage give birth thinking that it is an inevitable fate to go through various mental health ailments as their mental and physical state don’t match.
Fact: Motherhood is a choice. It affects every aspect of personal life.
Stereotype: Motherhood comes naturally to women.
Effects: Young women give into early pregnancies and lack the maturity to deal with the challenges of motherhood.
Fact: Motherhood is emotionally and psychologically taxing. It should be a conscious decision of the woman.
Stereotype: Embracing motherhood is contributing to society.
Effects: Various laws are passed dictating the bodies of women. Example: anti-abortion bills
Fact: Motherhood is a personal lifestyle choice.
Stereotype: The most important of all for a woman who is also a mother is the title of a Mother.
Effects: Women can be deprived of University education and opportunities leading to distress and financial dependence.
Fact: Motherhood is a social relationship between a caregiver and a care recipient.
Stereotype: Motherhood is the most rewarding of all women’s experiences.
Effects: Mothers feel guilty when they don’t enjoy motherhood after giving birth. They are often shamed when being vocal about their feelings.
Fact: Motherhood is an experience and experiences are not always for pleasantries. Their challenges need to be addressed and helped through.
Stereotype: Motherhood comes before career.
Effects: Mothers refuse to take a promotion at their job.
Fact: Motherhood and professional growth can happen hand in hand.
Stereotype: Stay at home mothers curate the ideal of motherhood.
Effects: Young women leave office jobs and take up work that allows them to give their children the time to nurture.
Fact: Motherhood is a dynamic social construct.
Stereotype: Motherhood impacts the success rate of their children as adults.
Effects: Mothers feel intense anxiety by looming thoughts of not having read enough books to the child, solved puzzles or not paid enough attention to behavioural aspects of the child as they grow into teenage years.
Fact: “It takes a village to raise a child”
Teenagers are supposed to make mistakes. Humans are flawed beings. Motherhood has no least impact on how the child makes certain choices unless strictly monitored.
Stereotype: Feelings of depression and anxiety do not mean the mother loves the baby less.
Effects: Mothers go through years of repressed emotions that culminate into critical mental illnesses.
Fact: Seeking counselling to deal with the challenges of motherhood is normal and they should be encouraged to seek therapy.
Stereotype: Motherhood is inherently a sacrificial decision.
Effects: Fear of motherhood in the young adults who might want to have children but fear judgment for their lack of regard for motherhood and its stereotypical conventions.
Fact: Motherhood is defined by the individual embracing it.
Stereotype: Sleep deprivation when the child is small needs to be taken as a duty towards the child.
Effects: Sleep deprivation is one of the underlying causes of mental health issues.
Fact: One can take help from partners or another family member to keep up with enough sleep.
Stereotype: Single mothers miss out on the wholesome experience of motherhood as they have to fill in for the other roles too.
Effects: Single mothers feel mentally exhausted and drained when they think that their male child will never know what is it to be a male.
Fact: Motherhood is about raising the child right in any circumstance.
Stereotype: Motherhood helps the male and female child to know their roles in society and teach them how they need to behave as per the gender norms.
Effects: This might reinforce gender dysphoria in children due to a lack of a support system. It may lead to isolation in children and affect them psychologically.
Fact: Children are better humans when raised in gender-neutral healthy environments.
Gender is a social construct. Any human behaves as per their biological instincts, not how the world perceives them based on their sex.
Stereotype: Fit mothers raise fit children.
Effects: Mothers are fat-shamed for baby fat. Mothers often ignore self-care routines because that would take away time from looking after the children, often end up self-loathing with little self-worth.
Fact: Fitness has nothing to do with a certain type of body type. The female body is bound to experience change but can lose fat and is capable of fit to the best of their body’s potential.
Stereotype: Refusing to play with children makes a bad mom.
Effects: Taking time off from mothering makes mothers feel like they are running away from their responsibility.
Fact: Teaching children compassion and talking to children about personal space and need is important.
Stereotype: Young mothers enjoy the most of motherhood as they are young and energetic.
Effects: Young mothers are at increased risk for symptoms of postpartum depression which indicates the need for attention in pre and postnatal health care programs.
Fact: Embracing motherhood when is ready is the best time for becoming a mother.
Motherhood is alienating a lot of people for how it has been portrayed. Its glorification does not anymore excite this generation of young adults. They fear judgement and therefore would rather choose to stay out of the debate than to experience it in its rawness. Motherhood has too many dictators- gender, culture, law, policies, society at large.
The limiting view of motherhood disregards not only the experiences of women from different socio-economic status across cultures but also fails to acknowledge gender variance. Well, it is important to choose the correct lens to define motherhood – nothing sounder than the experience of those who embrace it
The concept of motherhood
Motherhood is not pivoted in the anatomy of marriage and the family; it goes beyond it. Since there are diverse familial organisations, it is important to recognise and celebrate them.
Motherhood is a process of evolving into a ‘maternal thinker’. Maternal thinker, defined by philosopher Sara Ruddick is someone irrespective of their gender is consistently reflective and makes choices to shape the thinking of the child towards a value-based growing. Ruddick focused on anti-war sentiments in a capitalist global world to be the lynchpin of motherhood.
Motherhood endorses the idea of maternal figures. It is concerned with realising mothers’ concerns which can serve as a crusade against any form of violent practice in society. It embodies love, care and endless reflections of self-improvement.
Motherhood today as a concept has only one binding factor to it, primary caregiver. Primary caregivers are often anybody across genders. Motherhood is not the whole of parenting but in any non-traditional family set-ups, parenthood and extended family members living together encompass motherhood. Motherhood exists out of the mothers in popular culture.
It is important to bring the ‘concerns of the mothers’ to the mainstream and those who embrace it, be celebrated.
Remember, when you wish your single father, grandparent, gay parent on Mothers’ day to honour motherhood, you are adding to the public discourse on motherhood and its importance in today’s world that is devoid of a humanitarian value system.
Glossary
Cult of Motherhood – This is a set of societal expectations from a cis heterosexual married woman after becoming a mother. These also compel people who embrace motherhood to follow suit.
Ethnocentric – Evaluation of practices in other cultures from the point of view of one’s ethnic standards.
Heterosexist – A system that is biased in favour of binary male-female relationship and roles.