Coming Out — An Ongoing Journey
Discovering and coming to terms with sexuality can be incredibly difficult. It definitely was for me.
At first, I didn’t think anything was wrong because I was definitely attracted to the people I was supposed to be attracted to. But then I realized, there was more to it. It would take me years to recognize that my attachment to certain people were just crushes.
Questioning my sexuality opened the floodgates of confusion and denial and fear for me. I felt different and disconnected from my peers. I remembered all the comments I heard about my sexuality when I didn’t even know and thought “Was I really that obvious?” Combined with the other stresses in my life, it contributed to a lot of the issues I had with mental health in those years. I thought figuring out what I identified as would give me peace, but there was a lot more to uncover than I had realized. The internalized homophobia, the repressed emotions and the straight persona that I adopt to feel ‘normal’ are still things that I deal with today.
I knew I wasn’t straight for about a year before I first came out. Those friends that were there the first time were loving and supporting and really got it. It hasn’t always been like that since. Because coming out isn’t a one and done experience. It’s not like you come out a few times to some important people and that’s it. Every time I made a new connection I’d wonder, “Will this last after I come out? Will they still see me the same way or will this relationship change on a fundamental level that neither of us can help?”
Some people accepted me wholeheartedly after I came out. But they would still say things that were offensive or made me uncomfortable. There are some who I wish I hadn’t come out to. After that first time coming out and having a great experience, and finding a community online, I felt seen and heard and accepted and it was wonderful. I would draw rainbows in my journals and talk about my attraction with no shame. But in hindsight, I wish I had waited to tell some people.
For a long time, I was very vocal about my sexuality and I would advocate for the LGBT+ community all the time. But then I moved to a very different environment where I was scared that advocating for the community would inadvertently out me. It was difficult going from a place where I was so open about it, to the point that I assumed people I never came out to knew as well, to then being in a place where I was uncomfortable just saying ‘LGBT’. And then I started questioning whether I was even right about the label I chose. It brought me back to that dark time when I first started questioning my sexuality, except this time was even more confusing since I had already come out to so many people with a label that I was slowly realizing didn’t fit me anymore.
It took another few years for me to grasp the fact that my sexuality is my own. I’m the one who gets to define it and that definition might change. There are people who are and always have been sure of their gender and sexuality no matter what it is, and I’m not one of them. To me, gender and sexuality have so many layers to unravel before I can even attempt to figure either of them out completely. And it’s okay even if it takes me years and years to figure it out or if I think I figured it out and later realized I was wrong. Because the kind of mental and emotional unrest that’s brought by trying to find the label that describes me and all my feelings perfectly, just isn’t worth it.
To anyone in the closet, you are not obligated to come out to anyone. It can be freeing and incredible but it can also be dangerous in some situations. Being in the closet doesn’t mean you’re hiding some shameful secret. There are always certain aspects of your life you wouldn’t share with people and until and unless you want to come out, this will just be one of them. Whether closeted or not, there is a community for you and you will be loved and accepted. Coming out will not be the defining part of your journey. There are so many amazing things waiting for you after that.