But Beta, When are You Getting Married? A Spiral into Anxiety

I think this one question haunts anyone who isn’t married irrespective of whether it is out of choice or otherwise.

Growing up I always believed that I would marry for love. But the reality was that love walked in and then out of the door, just enough but never to last. And that triggered something I thought I kept under control.

It triggered restlessness, waking up in cold sweats, the feeling of not being good enough or not being deserving of love. But there’s a lot more toward feeling this way other than the lack of constant love.

Ever since I was a kid, as a single parent after my dad passed, my mother thought that her sole aim in life was to get me married, and try she did. She signed me up for every matrimonial site there is. But to her disappointment, I stood my ground and didn’t give in to arranged marriage. I truly believed that I would find love or at least be happy on my own. Either way, I believed that it should be my choice.

I was adamant, which instantly made me her biggest disappointment. She was ashamed to step out of the house for the fear of being asked whether I was married or not. She smiled at them and made excuses but lashed out at me later, telling me that I should be lucky if a guy even considers me for marriage.

From questioning my sexuality to attacking my mental or emotional state of mind, the sheer torture that comes with the pressure of the marriage talk triggered my anxiety. It made me truly believe that I, as a person, wasn’t enough, and I needed to be validated by a man in the course of a marriage.

It's funny that something like marriage will make your family abandon and ridicule you, and make you feel like it’s the biggest crime you could ever commit against them. That’s what being an unmarried 30-year-old is like in India. 

But should one just marry for the sake of marriage? Just because you can’t take the harrowing conversations anymore? Or the ‘you will create trouble later on in your life’ statements?

And while loneliness is a powerful feeling to deal with, it’s these questions that trigger my anxiety, especially because it’s your loved ones who are pulling you down. The sleepless nights of questioning your self-worth turn into days, months, or even years. 

I felt that way until I realized that I wasn’t the problem and that we can’t be all put in the same box when we don’t want the same thing.

I did try therapy and that’s a work in progress. But for now, I have learned to take it one step at a time and remove myself from a toxic situation. To be totally honest, it’s not always easy & sometimes the toxicity seeps in.

I just take three deep breaths and tell myself—I need to live my best life and not give in to the negativity. I may not know about relationships but what I have learned is that self-love lasts a long time. Longer than you’d think!